Honesty January 29, 2009

I’ve lost it. 

I am so discouraged. I just want this to be over. There are so many things I wish I could change about this process, but can’t.  I feel like a number. I have no control. I feel alone. I feel helpless. We have entrusted one of the biggest decisions in our lives to people who don’t know us. Every time we get closer to a referral the time lines change. We are chasing an elusive white elephant. Some of our family and friends are starting to question the sanity of our quest. We have nothing to tell them and their questions/doubts make me feel ignorant and helpless. It hurts. This place of sorrow and anger that I now occupy surprises me. I was not prepared for the harsh emotions to be so overpowering. Do you hear me Lord? Please carry me. Please hide me in the shadow of your wings.

Monday is coming January 21, 2009

Monday will mark one year of waiting for our referral. 

Our adoption journey reminds me of running a race:

I am a runner. I have trained for 10 years to run this race. I feel ready. I feel prepared. I meet with the officials for the pre-race instructions-  ”Just once around the track,” they tell me.  I hear the starting gun and take off like lightening. I run with all my might. I am flying and I feel like nothing can stop me. I keep a steady pace and I am smiling as I feel the wind rush by. I save all my energy for the final sprint. My legs begin to burn, but I am oblivious to everything around me. I am focused on my goal. Just before I cross the finish line I hear the crowds cheering and yelling – “Once more around!! Once more!!!” and so I keep running, stunned.  I gasp for breath as tears stream down my face. I’m so tired. I haven’t trained for this distance. I thought it would be over by now. My resources are used up. I hit a wall and feel like I can’t go on…  I force myself to focus and remember why I am running. I was born to run THIS race. I get a spurt of energy and my faith allows me to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I can faintly hear the crowds from where I am now. I can almost see the finish line. I suddenly notice that I am not alone on this track. Others are ahead and I hear myself yelling encouragement between my own attempts to breathe. I realize that there are also others behind me who are cheering for me and I turn to yell to them with all my might, “Don’t give up! We can do this!” My tears are still flowing, but they are tears of hope. I turn again to focus on the finish line. I remember why I am running. I was born to run THIS race.  And I smile.

Another WEEK! January 19, 2009

So I raced home after work today to find out that our CAFAC rep. is extending her stay until next week. So this is good  ya? (when I’m stressed my mennonite roots start showing) I’m choosing to believe that it is because she is soooo busy gathering as many referrals as she can! She’s on a mission people – to make sure Jody’s court goes through and to find some more great kiddies for Rana and Donna and me (and yes, even for Sharla!) oh, and for sure for Tanya and Ramona!!

I mentioned to my principal today that we really “needed” to get our referral with this batch so that we could pick up our kids in August (which is what he predicted from the start even when we were told we’d have them home this Christmas!!) Of course August suits him …:P (he’s a great friend) but when he said this (in July 2007 when we started)  I gave him a dirty look and said, “no way!! NOBODY has waited  THAT long!! I’ll be crazy if we had to wait that long.” And now… I’d be soooooo excited for that option!!! Funny how things can change. I was warned by the vice-principal at the time that I should be worried. She said, “I don’t know what happens, but when that man prays about things… stuff happens- August it is!!” So I was sharing this morning that referrals might be coming for some people, but we didn’t really expect one. I also asked him how to kill hope. He doesn’t know either! He just smiled and reminded me that what “should” or “shouldn’t” happen sometimes surprises us… I’d so loved to be surprised! 

But now what? I’m so wound up and I have to wait another week!? I’m going to have date night at home with Dave. The kids are at the gym getting ready for their competitions on the weekend (first of the year for both of them and they are both in advanced comp. this year again) So we are going to watch a movie or play rock band. Both sound so wonderful to me. I’d also love to warp to Ethiopia with all you girls – get the scoop on what’s happening – and then go out for a night on the town! I just wish there were news to share.

come on referrals!!! January 18, 2009

O.K. We all know that the referral train is pulling into the station today… the only question is  how many?? I’m thinking of so many people right now – Tanya, Rana, Ramona, Donna… Oh I pray that each of you gets some mighty good news this week!!

What does this mean for us… well nothing really, except that our line might be inching up. Is it possible for us to get a referral this time? Probably not… but tell me ladies, how do you kill hope? Because if I’m very honest I have this little tiny seed of hope that just won’t die. I’m scared that if I don’t kill it now it will kill me in two weeks when I realize what I already predict – we won’t have a referral. How stupid is that? The rational mind is no match for hope.

My Dog and Attachment January 8, 2009

 

I posted this on a discussion board and thought it was worth re-posting here. 

I have a confession relating to dogs. Well, really one specific dog. 

My seven year old Shitzu has attachment disorder. Really, really, badly. We didn’t KNOW this until we started our adoption. I just thought I had a crazy dog. As I read through attachment parenting articles and books I’d find myself reading a section to my husband and then we’d both look down at my dog and shake our heads or laugh until the tears ran.

I’ll just share the highlights:

My dog loves everyone. My dog doesn’t know you, but you could be his new owner. Do you have a treat? He will prance with a happy little grin and a deep longing in his eyes in front of anyone he meets. “please please love me!!!! I’m so cute! I think you’re cute too! Do you love me now? Please take me home with you!” It’s downright embarrassing. But lots of dogs do that.

My dog has other signs of attachment disorder. While at home, I can’t go anywhere without the dog. He is so scared I will leave him. If I get up for a second – he is at my side – ready to go. Happy, happy, prance, prance, prance! I can’t get a glass of water without my dog. But lots of dogs do that right?

We have a bathroom door that doesn’t always latch if you don’t lock it. If I am in the bathroom my dog will throw himself at the bathroom door repeatedly until it opens. He is now flying at great speeds as he jumps through the air to land on my lap (while I am going to the bathroom people!) He then looks up at me with his happy little grin “I’m so cute. Don’t you love me?” Doesn’t your dog do that…?

If I have a shower or a bath I have to take him into the bathroom so he can sit beside the tub. (otherwise he throws himself at the door until my husband wants to kill him) But it’s getting worse. I had been gone for a weekend and he was so desperate to reconnect. So he opened the shower door (he can learn if he is motivated) and jumped in. (he HATES swimming and getting wet more than anything!!) I put him out, pet him and made him sit down. He did it again. Prance prance -”Don’t you love me? I love you! I’m so cute!” Dogs don’t do that? What?!

I love my dog. Really I do. He’s very special… His behavior was always seen as cute, but pathetic. (and not too disruptive so we didn’t really try to change it) My family and friends alike refer to him as having special needs. Now I just think he’s brilliant – he knew we’d need practice and he has chosen to help us prepare. Too bad it took seven years and reading many books about adoption to finally figure out my little Ezra.

New Year Dawning… January 1, 2009

I haven’t written in awhile. The holidays were wonderful with our warm family gatherings and spontaneous fun. We were able to put the referral wonderings on hold because we knew nothing was happening with our agency until the end of January. We are sure we won’t be part of that new batch of referrals either, but to see others get some after almost three months of waiting to hear of ANY referrals will be wonderful – and I’d be so thrilled if many MANY families were given a late new year’s gift!!  

My Prayer for the New Year:

I’m praying that many families will find this new year a great blessing in their lives as they journey to Ethiopia to be united with their children. I pray that those that are waiting will be given a sense of  peace. I pray that both Canadian agencies would continue to be compassionate to the clients that they serve and would be open to new practices and ideas that might benefit the children and the families that they will be placed with.  I pray that there will be more transparency and openness which can only help families understand this process that is so difficult to journey through. I pray that families would understand what is reasonable in this process and be patient when there really is nothing anyone can do. Its so hard because we can’t see what is happening and we all have issues with trusting someone else to do this most important job for us. 

I can’t wait to see multiple referral messages on the boards at the end of January!!